Freedom

The translation was lost between the car ride to work and actually arriving at the computer. The running joke is, I'd be an awesome writer if I could only hook my brain up to a continuous feed that would stream stories all day long.

Freedom. Most take it for granted. I watch a bird soar through the sky and grip the wheel tighter wishing that was me. I thought of the hunters that would try to kill this bird, flying so freely high above the problems that it sees bleow. With the sound of a broken twig, the rustle of branches, or the slow and shallow breath of the hunter, the bird would take off, in an instant flying away to freedom.

Mental Health doesn't give you that option.

You have two options. Lay down and let the hunter kick you until you bleed, or: the hunter screams, "put your hands behind your back" you do so for fear of your life, shaking as he ties your arms together. You hear the sound of the blade slicing through the air before you feel the pain shooting through you as he cuts of your hands. You didn't realize you were screaming. He screams at you to be quiet as he kicks your legs out from underneath you. Sobbing you drop to the floor.

A crowd of onlookers stands there watching, doing nothing in response, waiting for you to stand up for yourself. To do something, saying that the hunter is ill and you need to ignore him. Are they mad?! You not ony have your hands tied behind your back, you are face first on the ground, with blood pouring from where your hands used to be!!

Mental Health is not a fair fight. No one ever told me it would be, but I was never prepared for this.

Strength In the Distance

Living within the confines of mental health can back you up to the edge the cliff with no where else to go but down. It's at that point that all the strengthe everyone thought you had seems to become stripped away from you. It's at that point that you feel hopless and helpless. Wondering what the answer is and if there even is an answer.

It's at that point that the clouds seem to part letting you see the horizion with a bridge to help you cross. Regardless of what religion you are, God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Even if you don't believe in God, SOMEONE, SOMETHING is there for you, holding you when you can't take another breath. It's only there for a fleeting momment, and if you blink, you'll miss it and it will be gone. When that momment comes, grab onto it with both hands and hold it tight, because that momment will never come back again. Sure there will be different times, most of which you will be too stressed out or too blind to see. But they will be there. But none like the one that happens now. You can't relive yesterday.

Today the clouds parted to office phones not ringing. My brain going on positive overload to figure out what I could do before the rest of my energy (from my wonderful two hours of sleep thanks to our trip to the hospital) was zapped away from me. As it was, it was all I could do to keep my eyes open or move my legs. Feverishly, as I could be in my zombie like state, I was able to locate and find this mysterious counsiling/therapy office (yes, onto another office).

As I try not to let the tears flow while the sense of peace settles around me (I'm at work at the front desk, how professional would that be?) I write knowing that somehow by me putting this for you to read, hopefully I have helped your clouds to part as well.

You're not alone.