Running on Empty

I catch myself checking out as other people talk about the things that normally go on in their lives. I've met a woman who's adult daughter has mental health issues and I sit and look at her wondering what I'm doing wrong. Are my problems unique? Is it just me? Why is my trial of fire more physical and mental than what I hear from others? But then I read articles that prove to me that I'm not insane, or just not alone.

Nothing prepares you for the stress that Mental Health causes, or what it does to your body, mind, and soul. There is nothing called alone time any longer. Any hobbies that you've ever had, say goodbye. If you're a stress eater, plan to pack on a few hundred pounds. If you're a stress non eater, get ready to have people comment on your diet habits.

Everyone tells you that you need time for yourself. Let me tell you, sitting on the toilet mashing buttons on your phone, just to have four walls closed around you with no one else there, doesn't count.

Today was THE day that I think my body AND mind finally decided to tell me that I had enough, that it was time that I helped myself. I thought that I had hit my limit when I gained the 70 more pounds. I thought I had hit my limit when life had intermingled with the drama of mental health and caused my depression to become noticeable to MYSELF. You know you have a problem when YOU'RE going to the doctor asking for medication for depression. I remember telling my doctor that, "THIS IS NOT NORMAL!". I had gone up a dress size a month. I had asked for anti-depressants. Maybe I knew too much about depression, maybe I wasn't making myself clear. I was beyond tired all the time and was gaining weight (probably from stress eating and sleeping). When I had asked for depression medication I was told I could have medication, when asked the side effects I was informed, "drowsiness and hunger". Please tell me I did not hear the doctor correctly and I haven't lost my mind.
After diving in asking for more information the doctor informed me that there were antidepressants that would give you energy, "but I'm not prescribing that" she prescribed "Alli" instead, and yes it's over the counter.

Now I know this blog isn't about me, it's about Mental Health and what it does to you and your family, and the trials that you will go through during your walk with Mental Health. But if you don't pay attention to what is going on with yourself while you're helping that family member that has Mental Health issues, you will become sick, physically, mentally, and emotionally. You will build a mote around yourself that won't keep the illness out. It will keep the illness in with you.

Now this visit with the physician for myself was back in 2007, but I feel that it's important that I share this with you so you'll better understand what I've gone through and how my eyes have opened over the past two days. I have gone through the motions as most women who gain weight do: taking Alli, trying different diets and exercise, trying different diet pills and teas, nothing worked.

For the depression I've tried wine. I've learned a glass of wine takes the edge off. I don't believe in drinking and driving (and driving is a necessity as a single parent), so it isn't something I can do, nor do I do, on a daily (or even weekly) basis. I realized that though the wine was taking the edge off, it wasn't helping with the exhaustion that comes after dealing with a manic episode (and no, I didn't try all of these tactics at the same time).

A few weeks ago, while shopping at Wal-Mart, I saw some diet pills on the shelf that caught my eye. (I'm the type of person who reads labels on just about everything before I buy so) I noticed the ingredients that stated it would give me energy. My thought, "some energy is better than none". Right away after taking the diet pills I noticed that I was able to handle the "manic episodes" more. In other words, my eyes no longer watered as my son threw things across the home. My body didn't feel like a puppet who's puppeteer had dropped the strings. I didn't feel like running a marathon, I felt like a normal person who could do a load of laundry.

Now I need to tell you this so you can see why and how "running on empty" can be surprising, and stressful.
Again while I type this the woman asks me why I let my son control me and why I let his Mental Health control my household. When I describe what is going on, she said she had the same thing. Then I felt like I was going to break down, causing tears to silently stream down my face. I wonder, is it because her daughter was a self inflicting violent person, and my son is external? I wonder. I know that I'm not alone because when I went to NAMI I met other people like myself, but this woman is different.

I had a whole Blog prepped and planned for you, and I apologize for getting of course. It is the distractions around me while I'm in class, that I almost didn't go to tonight, because the Mental Illness has finally taken hold of my household and is ripping it apart with both hands.

(Another prelude). Sunday was great, Dillon didn't eat (because he wanted me to cook for him, which I refused due to the mess the boys had made in the kitchen). He played outside with the younger kids on the block (playing with younger kids is something children with ADHD or Mental Health issues do). His sister and the babies had spent the night at their friend's, so the stress level was much less than one would have thought. I, however was useless due to an allergy attack of biblical per-portions.

Last night my son was all over the place as usual. He had taken his meds, had violent outbursts, and was so vulgarly verbally abusive to everyone in the home that there was no way I could ignore him any longer. I wonder how much longer we can go on living like this? What do other parents do? I didn't take the diet pills (my home made anti depressants) because I had been ill from a massive allergy attack the day before and forgot them due to (what I thought) was running on empty.